hey did you guys know that i got a Dear Sugar tattoo on friday? from #41, Like An Iron Bell:
“Do you realize that your refusal to utter the word love to your lover has created a force field all its own? Withholding distorts reality. It makes the people who do the withholding ugly and small-hearted. It makes the people from whom things are withheld crazy and desperate and incapable of knowing what they actually feel.
So release yourself from that. Don’t be strategic or coy. Strategic and coy are for jackasses. Be brave. Be authentic. Practice saying the word love to the people you love so when it matters the most to say it, you will.
We’re all going to die, Johnny. Hit the iron bell like it’s dinnertime.”
Ask (Another) Abortion Provider: Roe vs. Wade, 39th Anniversary Commemorative Edition
“I knew I would like you instantly when I saw that you were wearing a zebra print shirt under your lab coat.”
i got another one up at the ‘pin!
Source: thehairpintumblr
These bowtied cervixes are ready for the Golden Globes.
i wrote a new article over on my favorite blog in the world.
Source: thehairpintumblr
u already know
It’s important to get punched in the face when you’re young so that when you grow up you understand that it doesn’t hurt that goddamn bad, and so you don’t live in fear like a trembling baby any time someone tries to get real strong with you. This is one of my essential truths. You are welcome.
Source: emotionalprobs
very good sculpture presented to unappreciative ex, 2010
- Blood stains
- Blushing
- Board games
- Boating mishaps
- Body bulges
from The Reader’s Digest Practical Problem Solver
Oh, me? I’ll just be over here, solving my problems practically. Let me know if you want me to look something up for you
Just for the record, I would like it known by anybody who cares that I don’t think life is a perpetual dive….We’re all stuck on this often miserable earth where life is essentially tragic, but there are glints of beauty and bedrock joy that come shining through from time to precious time to remind anybody who cares to see that there is something higher and larger than ourselves. And I am not talking about your putrefying gods, I am talking about a sense of wonder about life itself and the feeling that there is some redemptive factor you must at least search for until you drop dead of natural causes.
#3 was always my favorite
in 2009 i was dating this guy whose most recent ex-girlfriend/current friend was throwing-plates-loose-rant jealous of me. we’d never met, so i don’t think it had much to do with me personally, but it made me feel pretty bad.
since i’ve got a strict non-competition clause with all women, i wanted to mediate it. generally i would have tried talking to her so that she would see my poorly-applied makeup/tendency to chatter when anxious/boring taste in shoes and be like “oh, she’s just a girl, a human girl,” but she refused any contact with me. so, in lieu of my actual personality doing the work, the dude and i collaborated on a list of jealousy-diminishing lies that he could slip into conversation with her. which i just found:
“i mean lola’s great but she”
- can only tell digital time
- is easily beaten at monopoly
- wears 3D glasses during sex
- can’t parallel park
- paid almost a hundred dollars to see radiohead once*
- is lactose intolerant
- pronounces “mirror” “meer”
- folds her pizza in half, cheese side out, to eat it
- still wears pants backwards because of kris-kross
- only uses erasable pens
- once broke her nose running headfirst into a glass door*
- doesn’t like dogs
*unfortunately not lies
Weep for how miserable every Xmas card for the rest of my life will be for me, after receiving this one from Lola.
Source: melissa
flowers: k. mcclure
sentiment: bikini kill
custom-engraved 8x10 marble plaque: best $30 i ever spent
cattitude: cecil
Above: Faces of Mirth as Dylan and I (first picture) unwrap a AC/DC tabletop pinball machine and (second picture) trade it for a box of crap at Xina and Jeff’s 100-person, 6th-annual, make-sure-everyone-leaves-with-hurt-feelings Yankee Swap.
What is a Yankee Swap? A Yankee Swap is like Secret Santa but with a deeply malevolent edge. Everyone brings a gift and takes a number. #1 picks any gift. #2 picks a gift, and then they can either keep that gift or swap it for #1’s. #3 can keep their gift or steal #1’s, #2’s, etc. The competition is dirty. The emcee (Jeff) asked us, “Are you going to keep the pinball machine or are you going to trade it?” “Well, we actually had our eye on the box of crap.”
When I say box of crap, I mean: empty eye-cream jar, almost-empty spray saline, old eyeshadows, open box of condoms, National Grid electric termination notice, prayer card for recently deceased individual, some twine, two used sticks of deodorant, ketchup packets and a bottlecap.
Notable gifts:
- Our gift, which was a gift box containing 2 CDs of Green Day’s Dookie, 1 cassette of Green Day’s Dookie, a flash drive containing lossless FLAC files of Green Day’s Dookie, a book of guitar tabs for Green Day’s Dookie, and the book “Green Day: Revealed”
- Kitana sword + pre-ban Four Loko
- Bunch of knives + pre-ban Four Loko
- Unicycle
- 40 of Old E + a sledgehammer with a hangtag that said “Key to the City!”
- Twister + box of condoms
- Pillowcase with a photo print of Michael Jackson “Bad”
- A humongous, heavy box that upon opening revealed all of its weight attributed to free newsweekly magazines. It also contained a $25 gift certificate to Big Dogz Ink (important petition)
- Waffle mix + waffle iron that once people figured out made dinosaur-shaped waffles was one of the hottest swaps of the night
- Poppers
- Mayim Bialik Blossom doll
- Buncha candy with a receipt for $5 of candy purchases and $10 in change taped to it from someone who mistakenly believed there was a $15 minimum to enter the swap
- Garbage bag-sized bag of popcorn tagged “Secrets inside!” The “secret!” was a real gun.
