#3 was always my favorite

in 2009 i was dating this guy whose most recent ex-girlfriend/current friend was throwing-plates-loose-rant jealous of me. we’d never met, so i don’t think it had much to do with me personally, but it made me feel pretty bad.

since i’ve got a strict non-competition clause with all women, i wanted to mediate it. generally i would have tried talking to her so that she would see my poorly-applied makeup/tendency to chatter when anxious/boring taste in shoes and be like “oh, she’s just a girl, a human girl,” but she refused any contact with me. so, in lieu of my actual personality doing the work, the dude and i collaborated on a list of jealousy-diminishing lies that he could slip into conversation with her. which i just found:

“i mean lola’s great but she”

  1. can only tell digital time 
  2. is easily beaten at monopoly
  3. wears 3D glasses during sex 
  4. can’t parallel park
  5. paid almost a hundred dollars to see radiohead once*
  6. is lactose intolerant
  7. pronounces “mirror” “meer”
  8. folds her pizza in half, cheese side out, to eat it
  9. still wears pants backwards because of kris-kross
  10. only uses erasable pens
  11. once broke her nose running headfirst into a glass door*
  12. doesn’t like dogs

*unfortunately not lies

12 Notes/ Hide

  1. imeverythingbagel reblogged this from docsorrow and added:
    hahaha! I should...case i find myself in this situation.
  2. westernohms said: come on lola, don’t seel yourself short- i think think you mean: 11. got spooked by a plastic statue of an owl, and broke her nose trying to run through a plate glass door.
  3. docsorrow posted this

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